It's amazing how buoyant a straw can be when trying to avoid drowning in
the depths of depression. They can keep your head above the mire, and
allow you to breath easily. Mind you, you have to swim like mad to
make them buoyant! And the trouble is you become rather exhausted and
find the straw is no longer the comfort it once was. So you find yourself
slowly sinking, with a rather sad, soggy straw clutched in your hand.
Sinking into the depths has another, rather insidious side effect: it
is dark. Darkness is not our friend. In the dark, the
world changes. In the light, we can see ourselves and all around us,
and we can believe in what we see. In the dark, things go away.
They become harder to believe. The longer we don't see something, the
harder it is to believe it is really there. Self confidence is a lot
like this. In the light of day, it is easy to believe in ourselves
(well, easier, shall we say), and so we can carry our heads high and enjoy
the world. Once depression takes a grip, it becomes harder, the belief
that we are doing the right thing begins to slip. As self confidence
slips away, self doubt creeps in. We begin to feel that it's all our
fault, that we cannot do anything right. Which is a problem, really,
because a lack of self confidence tends to reduce what we do, and the fun
we have, which in turn feeds depression. The dark begins to enfold
us, and it becomes harder and harder to fight it off.
Why does this happen? Why do we fall into the pits of despair, the
depths of depression? Strangely, someone who is already there will
tell you it's because we are bad and the world is a bad place. Depression
has a way of validating itself and thereby growing. I think
we fall because we try to fly. The higher we fly, the further we fall.
So if we never try to leave the ground then we will never get hurt.
Right?
But the view is so much better from on high. No, I think the answer
is not to avoid flight, but instead to jump back up whenever we fall. All
around us there are forces trying to bring us back down, trying to push us
under. We need to fight them, beat them, and rise above them.
One day I'll believe all this, and drag myself up. Until that day,
I'll grab for every straw that passes by, and kick like crazy when I grab
it.....
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